Summertime Sadness
by the-wolf-and-the-star
Summary: After their 5th year, Sirius leaves 12 Grimmauld Place for the last time to spend the summer with the Potters. He is full of angst all summer, but Remus, and the other Marauders, cheer him up.
1. Chapter 1: Leaving

**A/N:** I don't own these characters, obviously. Also, thanks to Lana Del Rey for the inspiration, and that's where the title comes from. Also thanks to my golden trio, Jasmin and Beatrice, for a year of friendship. You are the Prongs and Moony to my Padfoot and I love you both dearly. This one is for you both.

* * *

After one week home for summer after Sirius's fifth year at Hogwarts, he was growing reckless. Actually, the more he thought about it, the more he realised that it didn't even take a full day to become irritated, even though his parents mostly left him alone to unpack. He flopped onto his bed and sighed. Being here was not being home. Home was Hogwarts, with James, Remus, and Peter. This was his own version of hell.

He missed his friends, and he missed the castle. He even missed going to class. As a kid, he had Regulus when he came home, but he knew, even after his first year, that things would be different since he had been placed in Gryffindor. Now Regulus barely even spoke to him. His parents didn't like the way he dressed, they didn't like his friends, they didn't like how messy his room was, and how it smelled like pot and incense.

"It smells like a dead prostitute in there," Regulus said the first night as he made his way to his room. He had scowled. Sirius tried not to let it sting. The comment itself did not bother him, but how his brother had been acting.

It was too hot, and Sirius felt suffocated. He wanted to make it through the first night before sending out an SOS owl to his friends.

After one week home, he did not know how he could bare the cruel and snide comments, the sneering, the subtle, and not so subtle, hints that he was not good enough, not wanted. Never enough. He put off an air that it did not bother him, but it did. He tried to become untouchable, but it only ever worked when he was gone and could just pretend he was a Potter.

James owled him after eight days of misery. "Mum and Dad said they miss their other son, so I'm coming to get you tonight. Just sneak out."

He didn't know why, but the gesture made him cry. He hated himself for feeling like his friends always had to rescue him, and for starting to cry. He wiped the few tears away and spent the rest of the day locked in his room.

The worst way to hurt someone is indifference. Sirius preferred the yelling that was common, but the worst parts were when they just treated him like he was as invisible as he felt. His room became his jail cell. The pictures of the bikini clad muggles didn't cheer him up, nor did the bright Gryffindor banners that he had hung up after first year.

At ten PM, Sirius left his jail cell for the last time that summer. Eight days. It had been a new record. The first year, he had spent all of the summer at home, except for the last week, when he had spent it with the Potters. Every summer after, he spent it shuffled between the Marauders, usually at the Potters' house the most. He tried to stay at "home" as long as he could, but each summer, the time at home decreased, and it had gotten to the point where he didn't even have to say he was leaving.

There was a light on in the library, so he went to go turn it off, thinking that someone had just been careless and forgot to turn it off. He found his father, Orion Black, sitting on the leather chair with the Daily Prophet, smoking a cigar and drinking scotch. He did not look up.

"Sorry, thought someone forgot to turn the light off." He turned to leave again.

"Leaving already?"

"Yeah. James is meeting me." He lingered, waiting to be yelled at, or for whatever rude comment his father surely had.

None came.

The silence cut him. He didn't even look up. He didn't even care. His chest tightened, and he was close to tears again, which made him feel even shittier, if that were possible.

Sirius walked out and tried to never look back.

* * *

James was waiting at the end of the road. "Where's your trunk?" He noticed the hollowness.

"Hmm?"

"Your trunk." He repeated slowly, "you can't just use all my shit all summer."

"Oh, yeah. Fuck. I'll go get it."

"Let me help you. Or would that just cause more problems?"

"No, they don't give a fuck. I don't even have to tell them I'm leaving these days. They just expect it. But we should probably keep quiet, the less shit I have to deal with, the better."

Back in Sirius's room, James helped Sirius throw his belongings into his school trunk in a fashion that would make Remus's head spin. They did not talk much. Sirius kept checking the door, waiting for someone to come in.

"Sometimes, I think I want to be stopped from leaving. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm fucking glad to leave. But sometimes I wish that they would just care enough to ask me to stay."

James paused for a second, not quite sure what to say. He had known that Sirius's home life was less than ideal, but this was one of the first times that he had seen just how badly things had gotten, how badly it was affecting his best mate.

"If they did ask, would you?"

"Stay?"

James nodded.

"Sometimes, I think I would, for Reg. But he's gone already and I can't save him."

James attempted to change the subject. "You know, tomorrow, I'm sure we can get everyone together and go to the pub. That'd be fun."

"Anything involving liquor and I'm there." He threw the last of his shirts into the trunk and slammed it shut.

* * *

As expected, Mr. and Mrs. Potter were thrilled to see Sirius when he dragged himself out of bed at one in the afternoon.

"Sometimes I think you're more excited to see him over me." It was a joke, but James's mother gave him the look that said _don't._ Sirius didn't notice.

The first week or so away from home was always hard on Sirius. He was melancholy, out of touch with reality, difficult to talk to, absorbed in his own thoughts. They expected this. They did not expect it to last most of the summer.


	2. Chapter 2: Can You Hear Me From France?

**A/N:** Since this is a gift to my trio, I've put in references of things we have discussed in the year of our friendship. Also, letter writing is so fun. I'll probably definitely keep doing that.

* * *

June, 1976.

* * *

My dear Moony,

Not to worry you. But already with the Potters. As Prongs has pointed out, they have missed their other son, and being the polite and charming young man you have raised me to be, I could not, in good consciousness, deny their request to spend the summer with them. I assure you I am fine and staying out of trouble. Hurry the hell up and leave France.

Padfoot.

* * *

To one Mr. Padfoot,

Have you been reading Pride and Prejudice again? France is lovely. Wish you were here. I'm sure you could always get to know the locals. And the food is nice. Sorry that I am not there to join in on you lot being the civilised men you are. I feel like Peter Pan, head of the lost boys, only, I chose to grow up. Can I be a male version of Wendy in this little tale? James is definitely Peter, but I don't want to snog James. So, I guess I'll have to sadly decline joining your marauding about. Also, that letter had hardly any fragments. I'm proud of you. Do try to keep your head up, Padfoot. I'll be home in July and we'll be back at Hogwarts before you can say quidditch.

Moony.

* * *

I HAVE NOT BEEN READING PRIDE AND PREJUDICE AGAIN, AND EVEN IF I WAS, THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU GET TO COMMENT ON IT. MAYBE I FANCY ELIZABETH BENNET, BUT LET'S BE HONEST, WHO DOESN'T. OR MAYBE IT'S DARCY, DID YOU EVER STOP TO THINK ABOUT THAT? CAN YOU HEAR ME FROM FRANCE? Also, I think that I cannot, in good faith, make it through a letter without swearing, or you'll think I've gone mad. So, fuck you and your assumptions. Really though, you always go on and on about me using proper sentances (that word is spelled wrong just so you will have an aneurism) so I thought that I would TRY to be more proper. But now my love for Regency novels is being called into question. Dear Moony, please don't have an aneurism. None of the other boys love me like you do. Although I do think if I were ever to propose to you, mother would have a fit and I'll probably be disowned. I don't know why I'm proposing to you, but I'm sure I would quote Darcy and tell you how much I admire you and then insult you and we can have a row, but I'll have chocolate cake. It will be lovely.

Padfoot. This letter did not have a title because I wanted to start swearing at you and was in too much of a hurry to put one. I don't like letter writing conventions.

* * *

Padfoot,

What on earth did that poor quill ever do to you to deserve such harsh treatment? I can't make it through a letter without mentioning grammar, or quills apparently. When is the wedding? Are you going to make an honest man out of me? Oh, there is hope for me yet! You had me at chocolate cake, but here is a secret. I prefer vanilla. YES I CAN HEAR YOU FROM FRANCE, GIT. Or strawberry. Can we have strawberry? Can dogs even have chocolate? There are so many questions I feel that will never be answered. Are you feeling better?

Moony.

* * *

My dear future husband,

Of course I will make an honest man out of you. I am not Mr. Wickham. I don't need to be chased down the street with a broom or a stick, either. Those things fucking hurt! And yes, I can have chocolate, but I will shit on the carpet and your father won't love me anymore. Not a nice image for a sixteen year old boy shitting on such fine carpets. I do like strawberry also. It's settled, we will have strawberry cake and we can dance to that Sintara guy you like so damn much. But we have to wait a few years, because James and I are banned from Scotland at the moment. Yes, I'm grand. Something about rollercoasters. Rollercoasters are fun, my dear Moony. Moony, Moony, Moony. Thou art a summer day. Do you like Shakespeare? Am I wooing you?

Padfoot, the best you never had.

* * *

Padfoot, love of my life, light of my life, bane of my existence,

HOW THE HELL DID YOU AND PRONGS GET BANNED FROM AN ENTIRE COUNTRY?! And what about school? Never mind, I do not want to know. Do not shit on my father's carpet. And it's Sinatra, and he is wonderful. You like fine novels, and I like fine music. I wonder how I ever got you to read Pride and Prejudice, but I somehow knew that you would love Austen if I could just get you to sit still long enough. And people think you are unintelligent. How many times have you been beaten off with a stick, Padfoot? Do seek help.

Moony. P.S. Are you sure about that?

* * *

My dear suitor,

All I can say is that's how we got the motorbike and one too many bar fights. That does seem to be a theme in my life. Also, I know that Hogwarts is in Scotland, but I don't have to deal with the muggles when I am there. The MUGGLES HAVE THE PROBLEM NOT FUCKING ME. I just realised how awful that sentence sounded. No wonder you are cross sometimes. And yes, Austen, she is lovely. But my true love is Tolstoy. Also, Catcher in the Rye was pretty good, but sometimes I want to punch Holden Caulfied for whining so damn much. And I guess I can do a lot of things if you are sitting on me so I can't DO ANYTHING ELSE. Tell your father I say hullo.

Padfoot, who is the bane of your existence but I make up for it by going down on you… If anyone finds these letters we are in trouble… HINT: I AM A COURT JESTURE AND MOONY JUST PUTS UP WITH MY SHIT.

* * *

My dear court jester,

I would be lost without you. Even if you only make it up to me by going down on me and you cannot fucking spell. Also, I'm positive that it should be whom is the bane of your existence. Sorry, but how can you talk so carelessly? Even on paper. Merlin, I hope no one ever finds these. How have you been writing these without James finding them? You are a man of many secrets. And yes, Holden Caulfield. I feel like you two have some things in common, but you are far less whiny, and you haven't paid a prostitute to talk to you, that I know of. Again, you are a mystery man, so I cannot be too sure. But all jokes about you and the prostitute aside, I worry that you and I will never be together because the world will keep us apart. Oh, it pains me that there is an entire English channel between us.

Moony, waiting in France.

* * *

The last one had no address, but only said this:

Please, for the love of Merlin, come back.

He put the letter back in his pocket and sighed. "I need to go back to London." He and his father were eating breakfast when the letter arrived.

He raised an eyebrow. "You and Sirius have been writing to each other non-stop for a fortnight now. Is everything okay?"

"Sirius has the summertime sadness again."

"Oh. Well, doesn't he always pull through?"

"Yes, but, I'm worried, and I usually help James and Peter deal with it."

"You can't wait a few more days?"

"They help_ me_."

He didn't have to say another word. His father nodded, and tried to hide the sadness from his face, but Remus noticed it. "How are you going to make it back to London?"

"Well, he's with the Potters now, but I'll probably just floo home."

"Tell me when you make it."


	3. Chapter 3: Across the Universe

At 9AM, Sirius flew out of bed and reached the record player the Potter's had kept in Sirius's room. This had formally been known as the guest bedroom, but everyone referred to it as Sirius's room. They had even let him decorate it after third year. Sirius threw on the Beatle's Let It Be album and played Across the Universe for hours on end, only stopping at 11, when Mrs. Potter insisted that he come downstairs for breakfast.

Sirius reached for the coffee and then pulled a flask out of the right pocket of his leather jacket that he insisted on wearing everywhere, no matter how hot it was outside. This had started several arguments at 12 Grimauld Place, but the Potters did not care. Sirius put a shot of firewhiskey into his coffee before Mr. Potter whisked the coffee and his flask out of his hand.

Sirius flinched, waiting for the blow he was certain would happen. None came. "I don't know how you drink coffee at home, but here, we don't drink this early." That was it. No fights. No broken bones. Just a small comment. Sirius felt ashamed, and wanted to apologise, but the words were stuck in his throat. He ate his toast and bacon in relative silence, watching James and his parents joke about things.

Even though they accepted him, and even though he was like a son, he wished that he was a Potter. He knew he was, but he wished that he had been James's blood brother. When they were in their second year, they took a needle and cut the pointer finger on their left hands and then stuck their hands together.

Peter and Remus were on the way over. Sirius went back upstairs to the Beatles and laid on his bed, the covers a heap on the floor.

"You could pick this up, you know," his favourite werewolf teased.

"MOONY!" Sirius jumped off the bed and suddenly a little shy, shook his hand.

"It's good to see you, Padfoot."

"How was France?"

"Fine. What kind of mischief are we managing today?"

"I'm not sure yet." James was sitting in the middle of Sirius's bed, his back leaned against the wall throwing a quaffle into the air and then catching it. "We're still waiting on Wormtail." He did not look at anyone, but watched the quaffle. He had not noticed Sirius's sudden fit of shyness, but Remus had.

Remus did not comment on it, but tried to change the subject. "We could go to the pub."

"Are you suggesting we get drunk?" Sirius brightened at the idea. "Prongs, we've corrupted him. It's only taken four years, but we've done it."

"I am all for reasonable fun."

"Alcohol with Sirius involved is never reasonable fun." James looked away from the quaffle long enough for it to whack him in the face.

"There's a carnival in town." Peter walked in.

"That would be fun, don't you think?" Remus asked Sirius.

"If I can get drunk, sure."

"Can I talk to you for a moment?" Sirius nodded, and Remus lead Sirius into James's room. "What the fuck is going on with you?"

"What ever do you mean?" Sirius raised a hand to his chest, faking indignation.

"Whatever this is, I don't like it. It's one thing being sad. It's another thing pissing your life away."

Sirius, whom had been grinning his famous mischievous grin, no longer smiled. Remus noticed that this smile did not reach his eyes. "Do you honestly think that is what I am doing?"

"It looks that way to me, and James, and Peter, from what little he has apparently seen. I came home early because you asked me to. I'm sure the Potters have noticed, too. Honestly, so drunk when James came to get you that you didn't even have your trunk with you?"

"You know about that?"

"I'm not fucking stupid. I can see right through you, Sirius."

"I'm not pissing my life away."

"Prove it, then." Remus turned and left, walked back into Sirius's room, turned off Across the Universe, and was ready to walk out of the house and go back to France, when Sirius met him in the doorway.

"The carnival sounds lovely. Let's go."

The tension between Remus and Sirius was palpable. Sirius walked ahead of Remus and James with Peter. Peter, never quite good in an awkward situation, did not know what to say, and so stared at his shoes as they walked towards the admissions gate.

"Well, I couldn't just say nothing." Sirius overheard Remus whisper to James. "This is getting ridiculous and I don't want to watch anymore."

"You must have said something to get to him though," James whispered back. "Honestly, sometimes I can't even get through to him."

"And you honestly think I can?"

Sirius turned around and gave James that look, which due to Sirius's piercing grey eyes, was not a very comfortable look, and one James, and everyone, wanted to avoid. James said nothing else about it. Sirius handed the attendant his ticket and did not bother to wait for James and Remus, but grabbed Peter by the arm and shoved him forward.

"What do we want to do first, boys?" James tried to smooth things over.

"I like rollercoasters." Sirius looked for the biggest one he could find.

"Let's go, then."

"Umm, heights." Peter raised a finger.

"Oh, right. You can just take pictures of it then?" Sirius offered.

"Right. Well we'll meet you at the exit, Pete." Sirius had walked ahead.

"I hate when he's like this." Peter whispered.

"So does everyone." James whispered back, and then ran to catch up to Remus and Sirius.

Sirius wanted to keep riding the Coaster of Doom, as Peter had called it, until he threw up. After eight rides, James had enough, and sat underneath a tree Peter had staked out, when he saw Lily Evans. He waved, noticed that she was with her family, and then turned away again.

"What did you tell Remus?" Peter asked.

"What he needed to know."

"You're his best mate, though."

"Yeah, well even I, best mate, cannot reign in Sirius when he is being a prat. It's not often, but Remus can. I told him what he needed to know. I wouldn't get too involved or Sirius will stop being nice to you and start being a regular Black."

Peter had opened his mouth to say something, but shut it again.

"I'm going to get some butterbeer."

"We're in the muggle world. It's just beer. They'll laugh at you if you try to order that."

"Right. And it's not as good, either." He stood up.

"You're just not used to it." Lily, who was standing with her father, waiting in line for ice cream nearby, eyed him.

"Is this one of your friends?" Mr. Evans asked her.

"Sort of, Dad, this is James." James had already figured it was safe and stood next to her.

Mr. Evans reached out his hand. Lily rolled her eyes and grabbed the mint chocolate chip ice cream for her and her father.

James did not have much experience with muggle money. Remus, being a half-blood, had tried to always order for them if they ever found themselves in the muggle world. He fumbled with his chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and tried to manage the money, but had no idea how. He stared at the woman, and was about to ask for the third time how much it was, when Lily took the money from him and handed it to her.

"Sorry, he goes to St. Brutus." She steered him away.

"What's St. Brutus?"

"A place you never want to go," she took her hand off his shoulder. "Never mind that. I thought you were getting beer."

"Decided not to." He shrugged.

"Probably a good thing considering it's only noon." She licked the ice cream that had dripped onto her fingers. James tried not to notice the way the sunlight hit her hair, and how long and thin, elegant, her fingers were. "I should get back to my Dad and go find Petunia."

"She's here?" James began looking around for her.

"Of course she's here. We come every year."

"You have to introduce us."

"I know you want to be married to me, but settling for my sister will do you no good. She's here with her stupid boyfriend."

James choked on the bite of ice cream he was swallowing.

"That was a joke."

"I still want to meet her." He breathed heavily, and grabbed the temples of his head. "Brain freeze. Ice cream is the work of the devil."

"My plan is working then."

"Sirius, this has been the fortieth time we've ridden this. Come on."

"You counted?" They walked out of the queue to get on another ride.

"Maybe we should get lunch?"

"Not hungry." He shrugged. "Do you like Ferris wheels?"

"They are fine."

"That's not what I asked." Sirius folded his arms across his leather jacket, and put more weight on his left leg, sticking his right leg out slightly. This look said that Sirius Black did not, in fact, give any fucks. "You're always doing that. Saying something is fine. You never say what you mean. You never say what you fucking want."

"I like Ferris wheels." Remus said quietly. Sirius gently pushed him forward, and they grabbed the next compartment. "I don't because it's dangerous."

"I don't see how Ferris wheels are dangerous."

Remus rolled his eyes. "For someone that just criticized me for never saying what I mean, you are completely skilled in beating around the bush. I don't say what I want because I don't let myself want."

Sirius said nothing for a while, but they watched the sun glisten on the lake as they went higher into the sky. Sirius pointed to the ducks.

"Where do the ducks go, Moony?"

"Holden, they go to France." He cracked a smile.

On the eighth time on the Ferris wheel, Sirius reached for Remus's hand. He did not protest, or say anything. Sirius smiled again, and Remus noticed that this smile reached his eyes. They watched the world spin, holding hands, and Sirius began humming Across the Universe. Remus let him, and after a few minutes of just letting Sirius hum, he joined in. They would break their hands apart to get off the ride, only to join them again when they were seated again.


	4. Chapter 4: Bonfires

The sun faded and fell into the trees. It had been a successful day of keeping Sirius out of trouble; James hadn't been a complete prat to Lily. Peter did not get sick. Remus enjoyed the quiet humming with Sirius on the ferris wheel. The four Marauders walked back from the fair grounds to the Potter's house a mile away.

Sirius lagged behind everyone, and Remus slowed down to walk with him. They did not speak, but walked in comfortable silence.

"I'm sorry about earlier." Sirius did not look at Remus, but kept his eyes on his own feet, watching them as they walked.

"It's okay, Padfoot."

"No, it's not."

"Well, just don't do it again."

They didn't speak again until they had reached the Potter's house. Mrs. Potter had built a bonfire. "I'll try not to." The words flew out of his mouth and immediately he regretted them. The truth was, Sirius was not very good at trying. Everything that killed him made him feel alive.

"I've set up a tent for you boys if you want to spend the night." Mrs. Potter said.

"Actually, I should probably get back home." Remus clutched the sleeve of his sweater on his right arm.

"Can't you stay, Moony?" Sirius almost pouted.

"I have to go, sorry. My parents worry." He almost bit his lip, but resisted the urge.

"It's alright. We'll owl you tomorrow when this git finally gets out of bed." Peter elbowed Sirius in the ribs.

"Fuck off." Sirius jabbed Peter in the stomach with his elbow. James rolled his eyes, but kicked Sirius in the shins for the fun of it.

Remus made his exit, hearing the scuffle as he walked inside to use floo powder. He felt the green flames as he travelled home.

* * *

The lights were off. He wasn't sure if his Dad had returned from France yet or not. He turned on the kitchen lights and found his mother slouched over the table, passed out, clutching a mostly empty bottle of firewhiskey; there were maybe a few sips left. Remus picked up the bottle carefully, trying not to wake her, and emptied the remains into the sink. He had seen drinking destroy his mother. The last thing he wanted was for it to destroy Sirius.

After Remus had gotten sick, he saw her slowly disappear behind the bottle. He found her crying in the kitchen one morning when he was ten because she was certain that he would never go to school. Remus's father had been hopelessly upset when Remus became ill, but he did not use alcohol to cope. He poured himself into his work; Remus discovered the world of books.

He had been angry today and harsher than normal. Remus walked into the living room, grabbed his old, tattered copy of A Tale of Two Cities and picked up where he left off, with an ear strained on the kitchen, listening to make sure his mother was okay. The cover had fallen off years ago.

Around three AM, she woke. He grabbed her some water and put her to bed. The house was a mess. It had been irresponsible of him to leave her here for two weeks without supervision. It had been stupid to go check on Sirius without making sure that she was okay.

You can still save Sirius. She's already gone.

He ignored that voice in his head.

Sirius sat on his back lying next to James and Peter. The fire was still burning and they had not gone into the tent yet. He rested his head on his right arm, bent in a v as a makeshift pillow, and rested his left arm over his stomach. He crossed his legs at the ankle, the right over the left. He didn't know why, but he always fell asleep this way.

James was snoring. Peter almost kicked him awake, but didn't want to start another scuffle. "We should move him."

Sirius wasn't listening. "Is everything okay?"

Sirius finally looked at him. "Oh yeah, Pete. It's fine."

"If you say so."

He didn't know what time it was. He guessed around four.

"Are you going to fall asleep?"

"Maybe. I think I'll watch the sun come up."

Peter tried to stay awake but fell asleep around five. Sirius rubbed his eyes and tried to force himself to stay awake. He was drifting off about five minutes later when they heard the trees rustle.

He reached for his wand and pointed it at the trees.

"It's only me." Remus walked through, his hands held up.

"You should know better than to sneak up on me." He put his wand back in his pocket. "So, did you sneak out?"

"Something like that." The truth was, he knew that he was not going to be able to sleep at home, and he wanted to be with the Marauders. He wanted to be a normal fifteen year old boy for just one night in the summer, not having to worry about if his mother was passed out in the neighbour's yard again.

"James fell asleep first. Light weight."

"Why are you still awake? You look awful."

"I'm also hungover." Sirius moved over a little bit so that Remus could lie down next to him. He tried to ignore the rising feeling in his stomach. They were so close but not touching. He felt his skin catch fire and shrugged out of his leather jacket.

He swallowed and with a shaky breath said "we watched the sun set and now we're watching the sun come up. We're practically married."

"Great. I'm stuck with a lousy house husband that gets mud everywhere."

"Yeah, but at least I don't set fire to the drapes."


End file.
